Over the past year or so, I’ve been posting on Facebook the amusing things my kids say and do.  Friends have suggested, hey, you know you should start a blog.  I didn’t even really know what that meant.  I’m not sure I still do!?!  But I’m giving it a shot.  Eeek!

What have I been posting on Facebook, you ask, in case you haven’t been refreshing your newsfeed every few minutes hoping that my kids said something funny today?  Read on to get your “momwit” fill.  And for those who are already familiar, hope you enjoy another laugh!

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That moment when u take the monitor with u to the shower in case your sick kid wakes up from his nap, then realize your kid isn’t sick anymore and went back to school today… Hallefreakinluyah

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I was talking to another mom friend about how I had to draw a picture of J’s family at back to school night last night and how my picture was 4 stick figures and nothing else.
Me: Drawing’s not really my thing.
B: Mommy, I know what your thing is…going to Anthropologie and buying things.

No joke. Probably would have been better had he said my thing is to feed starving children or save the world or something. Oh well, Anthropologie will do for now. At least he speaks the truth.

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There’s nothing quite like my kid showing the babysitter his new lego table and then pointing to something on the floor, which I assumed was a lego. When I saw her disturbed face, I realized it was a poop. Ok, it happens. But when I realized it was an old poop…like I have no idea when it was “left” there that’s when I wanted to throw up. No words for the sitter on this one. Big tip I guess.

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First day of Kindergarten homework: fail. I already had to blow dry the worksheet because B’s thermos exploded all over his backpack. B claimed he can do whatever he wants because it’s his homework. Um, no. Then took a picture of the worksheet and sent it to Michael for help. No joke.

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B: Mommy, I found a really old penny at camp. It was from the 1980s! Were people alive in the 1980s?

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Morning 1 of “official” potty training involved: (1) 7:30am m&m reward for first pee in the potty of the day, (2) 8am first poop in the underwear of the day = no m&m, (3) standing on the toilet seat at starbucks (and I choose not to reveal whether or not J had shoes on his feet at the time) to pee standing up (pee-ers choice) and (4) Mommy mis-positioning him on a separate trip to the bathroom and shooting pee straight into his shorts. Mommy fail. Here we go…

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I spent most of the past hour nagging B to go to bed. Finally, he’s almost completely asleep, I’m cleaning up, and I scream to him across the apartment to come out right now! He comes running into the living room and I show him with a very psyched grin that I found the final 2 missing pieces to his sponge bob puzzle, and I have him complete it. I high five him and then tell him to run back to bed. A mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do? hmmm…

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I just came into the living room to find Michael teaching the boys how to play flip cup while watching jimmy fallon on the iPad. I knew it was strange when I got to blow dry my hair entirely without anyone asking for anything…

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J and I were deep in debate about who should put his shoes away…
J: Mommy, do you want to be the most beautiful (bootiful) Mommy?
Me: Yes.
J: Then put my shoes away.

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B watching Nick Jr commercials: Mommy, do u have clorox bleach?
Me: No. Why?
B: Do u have oxyclean?
Me: Yes. Why?
B: What kind?
Me: I don’t know. Why?
B: There are different kinds. They get out chocolate stains.